


The First Ham Spectre

by whatsubtext



Category: Mass Effect 2 - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Ham - Freeform, Humor, shepard is a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-19
Updated: 2011-10-19
Packaged: 2017-10-24 18:42:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsubtext/pseuds/whatsubtext
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Renegade Shepard is a dick. Joker just wants a halfway reasonable work environment. Space ham is involved with one and not the other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Ham Spectre

"Ham." Shepard waved the truncated haunch of deep pink meat, looking triumphant. Joker noticed that his commander was holding it by a white sort of handle coming out of one end-- oh. Oh, god. 

  


  


"Commander, that can't be ham. You were trading with people that don't have pigs."

  


  


"Space ham," Shepard clarified. "Delicious space ham. And I didn't buy it, I requisitioned it. Have some." The meat bludgeon pointed abruptly toward Joker.

  


  


Ugh. Joker headed that off immediately. "I'm a vegetarian, Commander. Can I have my chair back now so I can fly the ship?"

  


  


"This is a ham chair." Shepard smirked. "Only people who eat ham can be in this chair."

  


  


"Well, that's going to be a problem when we need to go somewhere and you can't fly the ship, Commander."

  


  


Shepard arched an imperious brow at Joker. "EDI, do you like ham?"

  


  


What-- "That's not fair!" It came out as a squawk. Joker glared at them both as EDI's softly-glowing sphere appeared.

  


  


EDI's voice was as smooth as always. "I like ham as much as I like any other form of irrelevant protein, Commander Shepard."

  


  


"Space isn't fair," Shepard told him smugly.

  


  


"Commander, I'm pretty sure she just called us both irrelevant protein."

  


  


Shepard still looked confident, the attractively-scarred poster warrior of fifty galaxies. Joker watched strong white teeth tear off chunks of space ham; it was surprisingly, disturbingly hard to look away. Shepard's throat worked. Shepard swallowed. Ham. Space ham.

  


  


"She didn't," Shepard said assertively. "Did you, EDI?"

  


  


"Of course not, Commander."

  


  


"Would you like to sit in this chair, EDI?"

  


  


Joker's eyes narrowed.

  


  


EDI answered promptly. "Certainly, Commander."

  


  


Shepard rose with slow and pointed grace. "Go for it, girl."

  


  


EDI's glowing sphere floated over to hover over the seat of the chair. Joker's chair.

  


  


"Would you like your chair back, Jeff?" she inquired blandly.

  


  


"Yes," Joker hissed, and took it. It still felt warm from Commander's Shepard's big jerk ass, and it took a moment to resettle into its usual more Moreauvian contours. EDI floated up and out of the way as Joker shot Shepard a smirk. His bones tingled as he came too close to her; he didn't have time to think about how odd it was that it wasn't an unpleasant feeling before Shepard punched EDI. There wasn't even a flicker, but Joker's jaw dropped. "Commander!"

  


  


"She was after my ham." Shepard gave him a challenging look. 

  


  


"Can I-- can I work now, Commander?" Joker could have flown other ships. He could have gotten a nice commander, but no. He had to take the prestigious position on the shiny new ship and then they gave the whole ship to the Ham Spectre.

  


  


"You may," Shepard allowed grandly, and turned with a grand wave of the ham. "Take us somewhere I can requisition something nice, Joker. Something... silky." 

  


  


Joker heard armored footsteps depart and heaved a sigh. "Thanks, EDI." Even the computer picked on him.

  


  


"You are welcome, Jeff. It seemed like the most expedient way to return your chair to you, as I possess no significant physical mass." 

  


  


Oh. Joker blinked, and when he said "Thank you, EDI" again, it was with a different tone.

  


  


"You are still welcome, Jeff. Are your ears malfunctioning? Should I call for Doctor Mordin?"

  


  


And right back to normal. "No, it's fine. It was... it was the ham fumes." Joker heaved a sigh and started plotting a course. 

  



End file.
